I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I look excited, but its just a facade.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
