It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
