a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
