when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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