Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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