woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
