dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
