Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
