Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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