i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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