I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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