You smell like a Billy Joel song
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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