I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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