Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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