I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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