I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
