Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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