the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
