Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
