so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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