Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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