You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
