made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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