Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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