well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize