He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
