Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
