Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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