He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize