Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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