Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
