My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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