you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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