I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
