There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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