New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
