please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
