I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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