So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
