Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
