I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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