this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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