So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
