I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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