i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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