My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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