We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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