I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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