Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
