I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize