he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
