i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
