I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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