i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
