Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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