Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
