how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
