In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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