It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
