8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
