We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
