I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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