I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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