Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize