just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
