I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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