i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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