I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize