She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
