rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize