Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
