I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We need to get me chipped asap
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
