I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
