I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
