Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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