he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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