Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize